Real

Sometimes it is hard to be real. And I mean truly real. When you are real, it is the truth and most people can't handle the truth. I think a lot of my insecurities stem back to the fact that when I am real...it's not what people want to hear or see. So I am instead this character of what I think I should be or others want me to be. And in turn, that makes me unhappy.

I had some tumblr accounts and I deleted them. I keep trying to balance the mother side of me and the side of me I lost when I had children. Because that is what it feels like...lost. I can remember that person that I use to be and now when I look in the mirror, I can't really see her. She is gone. But I know it isn't true. I know that somehow I've buried her because I have jumped into motherhood. The truth of it is...I never thought I could be a mother. Or a good mother. I didn't have the best lead in that position so naturally I assumed that I would be just as I was taught. And people will tell you that if you care enough to worry about it, you will be just fine. That sounds good but I imagine there are folks that heard that same thing and yet somehow never managed to do better. Sometimes it's hard to break the pattern of how you were raised.

So here I am going through my days wondering what happened to the person I was and fighting to be a better mother, than I had. And yet I feel like I am failing. Like I don't know which way is up and it's all confusing and frustrating and guilt-inducing. That's real...all those emotions. Yet the one emotion I truly want is happiness. I want to be happy and feel happy and I want my kids to feel it too. I look at them when they are laughing or being silly and my heart aches for them. I pray that my short comings don't wreck them. That they don't grow up too messed up. I want them to be loving and kind and sympathetic. I want them to look back at their childhood and remember it as a happy time.

When I am out there in time, I am an inverted version of myself...

I love this quote. It's from a great book called The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I have always been intrigued by time travel, constantly thinking where I would go and who would I see. Would changing things about myself lead me to a different life? Would I still meet my husband? When we talk about finding each other there were many times we could have but didn't. Would time traveling change that? If you could open a portal to go back or forward in time, do you think you would remember everything from that point in time? So many things to think and pnder when it comes to time travel.


So it's been about 8 months since I last blogged. I really need to do this more...I have all but abandoned my journal and miss it. Must be why when it's time for bed and I am lying there in the dark mymind is running like crazy. I always have so many thoughts and need to get them out. Seeing them on a written or typed page gives some sort of satisfaction, doesnt it?

6 is gone now onto 7

So this month will be my 7 month of being married. Hubby and I were discussing it the other day and he felt it was going by so fast. I agreed and didn't agree. I felt after a year it wold feel like it went by fast...but right now I feel it is actually going along at a good pace. Of course if we were to accomplish all the things we want, it might seem like it was going faster. I think about how couples will marry and then quickly get pregnant and how for us it was just not the ideal move. There are so many changes he and I are still adjusting to. Even though we dated for 3 years, there are still times we learn something new about each other. I think having a child would force us to push our relationship into fast forward. Besides, I so enjoy sleeping late, going where I want, when I want. Not having to plan for anything but getting paid and paying the bills. I know a child would complicate all that. Don't get me wrong, we will eventually have children...just not now. This is our time and we want to enjoy it.

Finally Friday

Well, here it is Friday and I really tried hard to get my act together this week and work 40 hours before Saturday..but I didn't and here it is 11:30 and Ihave yet to do alick of work. Who knew working from home could be such a chore?

This humpday is almost over...

So I'm sitting here, trying to write this fanfiction story I have going andinsteadI find myself just clicking through the internet. I have on Yahoo's launchcast and picked their Chill station to listen too. it's funny because I can lsiten to just about anything, but simple adore music that is laid back. I am hoping it will helpme to write at least one complete chapter. We shall see...

So it's 1 p.m. eastern time and I am ready to stop working. Of course if I was in an office, my day would go much faster. But I do enjoy being home and working...it's just I lack the motivation to get up early, so I can start early, so I can be done early. When I was in the office, all I wanted was to go in at the butt crack of dawn so I could get out early. Figures....

Work is getting so hard to do....life is so boring. Want to spice it up, want to live it up, but have no idea how to do that. Or maybe I just feign having the energy to do it.

And then there is this question I get all the time. I'm recently married, just a little over a month and everyone keeps asking "How is married life?" What are you supposed to say? It sucks? It's great? i'm not sure how it is supposed to be, but really, when I think about it, that is an annoying and stupid question. Or maybe I missed the Marriage for Dummies book and they had a whole chapter on how married life is supposed to be? After I get the question I think about it and realize married life for me is no different than my life when he and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't live together, but really we kind of did. He's a pilot and on his days off he'd fly in from GA to stay with me in FL. Granted I paid all the bills and made sure with no ring, he realzied everything was MINE. (mean? oh well, i've been hurt one too many times) And so we fastforward to married life...he's away for 4 days and then home for 3 and instead of having to take the time to fly to FL, we have a house together. What has changed? My name, my address...but really nothing else. Did I mention there would be rantings and ravings? =)